There and back to see how far...

This was the big one, the meeting with Prof Nutting and Clarke that will finally give us plan to work to. We arrived in London around midday and met Bethan's family for lunch. My nose is still dripping with watery blood every so often, so it was a bit uncomfortable and embarrassing trying to eat a meal in public. Anyway, it was nice to see everyone and catch up on the weeks events. I feel like I'm healing from the surgery, but it's not been that straight forward. Everyday has been about wrestling with endless fatigue and despite the initial 'high' of getting through the procedure I was quickly brought back down to earth with a bump with in a couple of days of being back at home.
3pm quickly came around. The clinic is running late, which added another 40 minutes waiting time. It was unbearable sitting there in the waiting room imagining the different things we could be told in the next ten minutes and how that information will impact on our lives.
Finally, we were called through. Peter Clarke is sitting in the corner of his office, no Prof Nutting. After the usual greeting he is quick to tell us that the pathology report is not yet through. I felt mine and Bethan's hearts sink simultaneously. He proceeded to look me over and seemed pleased with the healing and that vocal and swallowing movement had been retained. Then this, "The thing we really need from the report is the information regarding the node that was removed from your neck. This will truly determine what we can offer you regarding further treatment".  Okay... but that node was checked last May and was "benign". "Yes, but if cancer cells are found to be with in it you will be looking at signifficantly less than a 20% chance of cure". In felt my jaw drop. "You must understand Mr McQueen, if cancer is found in this node it may well be that you will have to weigh up whether you feel the small possibility of effective treatment outweighs the poor quailty of life it has to offer" I have read about the 'quality vrs quantity" argument and people refusing treatment based on the option of having less time feeling normal rather than more time  under treatment crippled with sickness and always wondered what I would choose if faced with those options. This is all if's and but's based on getting this report, but once again the picture being painted is very bleak indeeed. "So, when will we know?" I said. He then went on to explain that Prof Nutting would call next week. I could feel the numb, hollow sensation of dissapiontment knowing that it would be yet another dark week of unbearable mental grind, trying to rationalise the situation and 'stay positive'... it's virtually impossible.
We flew home that evening crushed at the lack of real information. We put the kids to bed and sat up talking, but I think both of us had had enough of the day. So, what now? Once again we wait, we try and carry on as normal and either block out or accept that the news we recive next Wednesday via a phone call from Prof Nutting is going to be one of the most pivotal bits of information we likely to recieve in all of this. From there we will truly know the severity of what we are facing and the future impact it will have.