I had an appointment at Trelisk hospital this afternoon. I was almost late for this appointment due to my new van wheels being fitted, but made it by a whisker. I sat in the waiting room room of the Sunrise center at Trelisk for a good forty minutes waiting to be called for my appointment. In this time I sat and people watched the other patients and their families and/or carers coming and going. A few I knew from the time i've spent in Lowan ward having my treatment. it was funny, but I was the only 'chemo baldy' in the whole place. This is something I've been really aware of lately and have found myself feeling really uncomfortable in public without a hat... stupid I know, but what's really stupid is that I was feeling really self conscious amongst a bunch of other people that had cancer too, just because they had hair and I didn't. I think there's a funny kind of denial happening, where if I wear a hat then its less likely people notice Im ill, and I can go on believing (all be it temporarily) that Im not ill. The weird thing is that outside of the 10 or so days when the chemo is kicking the hell out of me I feel pretty okay. I like to think of myself as being well. This would be a much simpler task if it weren't for the tubes and lines hanging out of my torso or the lack of beard and hair that serve as a constant reminder every time I catch a glimps of myself in the mirror... that I'm a sick person.
So, I'm called into the meeting. I sit down in the small room with one of the radiology team, a really pleasant lady called Sue. We discuss the treatment planning and the conversation quickly diverts onto side effects and the long term and short term issues that are likely to arise from the treatment I have come to realise that they are painting a 'worse case' picture of the treatment side effects so as to prepare you for the worst, if it should go that way. I'm not too sure this works for me personally as I tend to leave these meetings even more freaked out that before.
As my questions ran dry our conversation came to and end and i was left alone in the room to wait for my CT scan and have my mask fitted. The mask will be used through out the radiotherapy to hold my head in the same position each time the treatment is performed. It consists of a kevlar mesh that is moulded to my face that can then be fixed down to the radiotherapy bench on which I will be laid.
I was asked to close my eyes while what felt like a warm flannel was placed over my face and then pushed and prodded into place until it began to set. I was then rolled backwards into the CT scanner and a scan was taken while i was wearing the mask. As i rolled out of the scanner the mask was removed and I got my first look at it, a perfect impression of my face in a strange yellow netting. I was told to lay still while the nurse marked a small black dot in the centre of my chest. This was then followed be the words "tiny scratch" as a sharp sting pierced the centre of my chest... that was it, my first tattoo! This tiny black dot will be used each time i have the treatment to line up the machine and ensure that the beam of radiation is entering my head in the same place each time.
I was then cut loose, and I was on my way. Next meeting is on Wednesday with Dr Collinson to discuss my next round of chemo. I have developed a Staff infection in the last week in which painful acne like spots appeared around my feed tube and the chest infection I though I'd got rid of came back with a vengeance. Hopefully the course of anti biotics I been put on today will stay down and finish the infection off, and the treatment wont be set back to a later date.... just really want to crack on and get this last one done!
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