Well, deep in the midst of round two, Im neither use nor ornament in our move to to the new house. As I write this were are pretty much in bar a few unpacked boxes. Bethan and her sister Becky have worked super hard to get us all in here for Christmas. I've been either shifting in and out of "chemo coma" or feeling ill/ sick, so have been confined to the big leather Lazyboy or "ladyboy" as Cerys calls it!
This run has been slightly easier though, but no less dark. Its so easy to hold on to positivity when you're well and everythings fine. The trick is trying to remember the good stuff when things are bad, which is a very different animal. Ive heard that the treatment can plug you in to thoughts about our own mortality. I guess when the chemicals inside you are destroying parts of your body on a cellular level this is only natural. The low points that this round have brought on some pretty herendous thoughts/fears. One of the things that's difficult to get away from is the nature of cancer. The majority of people I meet who have had or are living with cancer have had more than one incident. The recurrent nature of the desiease means that anyone who gets it will naturally be left living with the possibility of it's return even when they are in the "clear". It would be nice to think that this is treatable and curable, as the doctors have expressed. At the same time, knowing what I know of the treatment so far it's not a situation you would want to be battling on and off for ten years as some of the people I've met have been doing.
Its not just about living and dying, after all that's a certantiy we all face. It's about being well. It's about having the best out of the time we do have, whether that's prescribed or not. I think becoming this "poorly person" has made me realise more than ever what quality of life really means.
The last few days have left me with so little energy that a trip to the fridge has left my head spinning and needing to sleep for an hour after. The smallest task can seem like climbing a mountain and it can be difficult to find the mental strength let alone the physical. Its made being part of the growing excitement that Christmas and moving house brings virtually impossibe. This has to be the saddest part for me right now. Although I was treated to Cerys sitting on the end of the bed plucking her pink flying V ukelle and singing a Janes Adiction song to me yesterday afternoon... She's such a sweetheart.
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