I had a really rough night last night, it was as though everything just got on top of me. I seemed to only be able to focus on the negative and i didn't feel like i was in control of how i was feeling. I think at its core there were a few different things that i was struggling with. The first thing was the angst and anguish my situation has put on the people i love and care for. I find myself hating the cancer more for this than anything else.
Both the kids have been dealing with he situation in thier individual ways. Joel is pretty happy go lucky and is fairly wrapped up in his own three year old world of trucks, diggers and jumpming off stuff. Cerys on the other hand is very different. She has a very deep way of thinking about things for a five year old and tends to internalise things. Cerys will lead you to believe that none of this is having any effect and then she will just say something that lets you know that knows exactly what's going on. Sometimes she doesn't even have to speak.
I was feeling kind of rough yesterday and had fallen asleep in the living room. I could sense Cerys playing quitely near by. I woke, lookin through blurry eyes I could just see Cerys sat in front of me with eyes fixed on mine. It's as though I was transparent and she was gazing right inside me. "are you feeling poorly daddy?" "a little bit, but it's okay" I said. She knows, and she worries and I can't stand that.
We are looking to move house on the 20th of this month, something we are all looking forward too. This is counterbalanced by me receiving my second round of chemo over this time, but if that's the case at least I'll be in okay shape to enjoy Christmas with Bethan and the kids (fingers crossed).
As things have gone on it's made me realise that in order to get through this I'm going to have to set some goals. Some things to look forward to through out the treatment that will serve as positive markers that I need to strive for. I've been working through all this just trying to handle each day as it comes, a kind of "play it by ear" approach. This is fine, but going by last night's little "mood swing" a need to set up both long term and short term targets to aim for. On of the lads from the mountain bike club I've been an active part of for the last few years posted up a video of a couple of french riders smashing the back doors off some fast flowing alpine single track, I just thought- that's what I need to do! I need to set up some end goals, post treatment.
Surf dvd's and bike magazines have turned into instruments of torture lately. Just serving to remind me of what I can't do. This is true for now, but I can't help thinking that if I put these markers in place and give myself things to look forward too it going to make getting through the darker parts of the treatment easier with an end game to focus on. Did Lance lay in bed thinking about the pain of the next round of treatment, no he layed there thinking about mountain stage events and laying the competition to waste, I can only guess that's why he beat his cancers and won Le Tour 18 months into remission. I'm no Lance Armstrong, but thinking about dusty ribbons of singletrack flowing through Alpine valleys are looking like a great incentive at the moment.
Fast Frenchies!
No comments:
Post a Comment