The other side of the coin...

Just returned home from London. Bethan and I flew out again from Newquay at 11am this morning to Gatwick and took the train up to London to meet Head and Neck specialist surgeon Peter Clarke at The Royal Marsden.
We had time to find some lunch and a sit down so we could get ourselves together before the 4.15pm appointment. We were still in a very comfortable place (mentally) following the meeting on Monday with Mr Nutting, so we were able to sit and enjoy spending time together without the doomy feeling that has been hanging over us both for the last three weeks. We had hit on some progress and to use his words we're "on the right side of a bad situation". Today is the day where we see how it's all going to unfold... or so we thought.
Anyway, we arrived at The Marsden a little early again but were called through quite quickly this time by Mr Clarke. We were sat down in his office and looked forward to another blast of optimism. Not to be... he went straight into explaining how they have to carefully consider the use of surgery in this instance. The tumor is very close to the Carotid Artery that supplies blood to the brain, it has also grown into the muscles in my jaw. This means that treatment of any kind is very risky indeed due to the risk of long-term damage and possibly death through the treatment alone.
He went on to explain the surgical process, (without getting too gory) involves an incision in the upper gum above my front teeth and the removal of a section of the soft pallet (roof of the mouth). This alone with the tumors removal will have a permanent impact on swallowing/eating and speech down the line. All this is doable and I'm happy to live with the consequences if it gets the job done, but that's the problem it won't...well not 100%. The complete removal of all of the tumor through this method of surgery alone is impossible. This means that everything hinges on the effectiveness of re-radiation as a follow-up to the surgery. Here's the scary part... he then went on to say that "Not only is there just a 20-30% chance of "cure" using this process. If the tumor does not respond to the Radiotherapy a second time... I will have only 6-12 months to live and that is with Chemo holding things back, far less than that with out the Chemotherapy"
We were utterly lost for words... we had only been in the room the day before yesterday bathing in rays of hope from Nutting, only now to be brought crashing back down to earth with this brutal new perspective... it was heart breaking. I felt myself trying to hold back the exact same sentences that I said when I was first diagnosed in 2011. "There has to be something more out there...there's more to this than just me you know, I've got two little kids, what are they going to do without their dad?"... but I said it all anyway, it dipped out of me like a leaky tap. He's heard it all I'm sure and sat back in his chair and said "There's no escaping the gravity of this, but what we do now is get our heads together and try and find the best option for treatment".
The meeting was quickly running out of steam, there was that sense that everything that could be said, had been said and things could easily start to just go around in circles. "We will discuss our plans and options for effective treatment and come back to you next Wednesday". Great.., another unbearable week of uncertainty.
So, there it is, in short... they're going to try some stuff, if it works, great! I survive with life changing issues resulting from the treatment. If it doesn't work... that's it.
I've read repeatedly about the various options out there, it seems crazy that the options in my case are so limited. These guys are the best though...so we don't have an alternative.
We returned home, I stared out of the window of the plane into the dark the whole way back... furious at the doctors that have treated me in the past for not seeing this sooner at a point where something more could be done, sad for Bethan sat holding in the tears in the isle next to me, distraught at the thought of my kids growing up without me... at the same time while this is all swimming around in my head I'm anchored to the thought that they are still using the word "cure" and that there is still a chance of getting out of this... we just have to hold on.