The weight of the wait...

It's been an awful week. The weight of not knowing bearing down every second of everyday. I would love to say that I've just been able to switch it all off, but I haven't. I would love to say that I'm strong, but I'm not, I'm just like anyone else in this situation.... afraid. I woke up this morning with my pillow covered in hair. I've never lost hair due to stress before, but it brought to light the impact of how we are living through this at the moment.

Today is the day we get the call and find out what is going on regarding treatment. I have sat all day and watched my phone like a cat would watch a goldfish. At 5.25pm the call came, it was Peter Clarke (surgeon) from The Marsden...

He began by saying that the tumor is not inoperable, but it can not be removed entirely using surgery alone. There are sections of the tumor that are to close to sensitive structures for surgical intervention alone to be successful. He suggested going in lightly, removing a small amount of the tumor and limiting damage as much as possible while identifying what is tumor and what is RT damage from previous treatment. This information will then be used to guide the back up plan that Prof Nutting would perform with radio therapy and Chemo. With this on the table I could now make my feeling towards this known. I requested that he is as aggressive as possible regardless of risk and permanent damage so long as he feels it will open up a better chance of cure. My feeling on this is that I have nothing much to loose at this point, and if it came to it and we run out of options I would hate to be on my death bed thinking "what if" or "I wish I had"... and if this does end up taking me out I will have done my very best in committing to the treatment. He explained that this more aggressive approach could potentially open up options once he is in there, if this is the way I want to go. I do... if this is a one time deal I want get the best chance at this. I think anyone would wouldn't they?

He went onto explain that he will need to work very closely next to the nerves that control eye movement and the dreaded Carotid Artery, in his words "I don't want you bleeding to death on my operating table.... I'll try not to. 

In addition he mentioned that there is possible involvement with the lining of my brain, he is still uncertain and this can only be confirmed surgically. If this is the case it changes the game quite drastically making a cure virtually impossible... but this is yet to be seen and will be confirmed or dismissed after the surgery has taken place. 

Once the result/mapping gained from the surgery the RT/Chemo approach can then be decided by Prof Nutting. The whole thing will be implemented over 6 weeks or less depending on what Prof Nutting decides once he has the information from the surgery.

He is still talking about a 20% chance of cure, which we are all holding on to desperately at this end. His closing words to the call were "let's try and get you inside that 20%".

It feels as though it's time now to let these guys take over, to stop trying to second guess everything and let them get on with what they do and hope it goes the right way.

The operation will take place on Monday 9th of November.